Mr. EB and I use "What am I, a farmer?" and "Never go with a hippie to a second location" all the time.
We have Mexican food at least once a week so "Like sex after a burrito - a guaranteed disaster" always comes in handy on those days.
Another good one from Jack: "I believe that when you have a problem, you talk it over with your priest or your tailor or the mute elevator porter at your men's club. Then you take that problem and crush it with your mind vise. But for lesser beings like curly-haired men and people who need glasses, therapy can help."
Tracy: Want to know another key to success?
Kenneth: I do, Mr. Jordan.
Tracy: Dress every day like you're gonna get murdered in those clothes.
Tracy: What did I tell you was the secret to having a good marriage and keeping it together, Kenneth?
Kenneth: Be a good listener, a giver of gifts, and work that va jay jay.
Jenna: I know Jack Donaghy. I know what he likes.
Liz: Yeah, so now you just have to make yourself ten years younger and Asian.
Jack: I bow hunt polar bear. I once drove a rental car into the Hudson just to practice escaping.
Jack: Once I set my mind to something, I have to accomplish it. Ten years ago I was an inch and a half shorter than I am today. Sheer will power.
Liz: You are unbelievable!
Tracy: I'm unbelievable? What about your racist mess? Thinking a grown man is illiterate! That's the subtle racism of lowered expectations. Bing Crosby said that.
Liz: No, Bill Cosby said that.
Tracy: That's racist!
Pete: We can all agree that generally Liz is pretty racist.
Liz: Don't look at me with your eyebrows all up. It's so annoying.
Jenna: Oh, yes, I'm annoying, not the man who honked your boobs on the jumbo screen.
Liz: You don't get to give dating advice. You sent a letter to Scott Peterson.
Jenna: After he dyed his hair and got super thin from all the stress.
Jack: Lemon, what tragedy happened in your life that you insist upon punishing yourself with all this mediocrity?
Liz: What? Cause I'm eating a turkey sub?
Jack: Your turkey sub, your clothes, the fact that a woman of your resources and position lives like some boxcar hobo.
Kenneth: And that former call girl went on to become one of NBC's biggest news anchors!
Jenna: I had a little botox and some collagen and a chemical peel and something with shark DNA.
Frank: You sell beepers?
Dennis: I sell a way of life, my friend.
Tracy: When you purchase Tracy Jordan, he comes with a tattoo of a biblical dragon from outer space.
Liz: Okay, very funny. You bought a pager from Dennis. Will you take it off now, please?
Jack: Oh, I can't. I'm expecting a call from 1983.
Tracy: I need to protect my reputation. You take away my street cred and I am Wayne Brady.
Liz: No, Wayne Brady has three Emmys and you have one People's Choice award that you stole from Wayne Brady.
Frank: You got anything about being a dad? People eat that garbage up.
Tracy: I like to walk around my house naked to remind my oldest son who's still got the biggest ding dong.
Pete: No.
Tracy: I can tell the story of how I met Sharon Stone.
Pete: Oh, what was that?
Tracy: I was pooping in the ladies' room at the Ivy.
Pete: No.
Tracy: I could talk about how the moon is a spy satellite put there by Oprah and Minister Farrakhan. And not the Minister Farrakhan you're thinking of.
Liz: Hi, I work with Tracy Jordan and I think he's having a reaction to some of the medication you put him on.
Dr. Spaceman: I was afraid that might happen. You know, he's on so many different neuroleptics and tricyclics that there's no telling how they'll mix. But what can you do? Medicine's not a science.
Liz: What exactly are you treating [Tracy] for?
Dr. Spaceman: Well there's not really a name for what Tracy has. Basically it's erratic tendencies and delusions brought on my excessive notoriety. And certainly not helped by my wildly experimental treatments.
Dennis: You gotta call Ticketmaster right away, Nickelback just added another date, right? And I would do it on your computer but I'm downloading a game right now.
Jack: I want to get my friend something personal. Do you think she would prefer this handsome attache which says, "You are a woman of substance and I respect you," or this collection of ladies' unmentionables with snaps and openings all over the place?
Jenna: They're cute. Do you think they're Wall Street Guys?
Liz: Yeah, I think they're from the firm of Date Rape, Cokington, Cheeseball, and Jag.
Dennis: Dear Liz Lemon, While other women have bigger boobs than you, no woman has as big a heart. When I saw you getting ready to go out and get nailed by a bunch of guys last night, I knew for sure it was over between us. And for the first time since the '86 World Series, I cried. I cried like a big dumb homo. And if it was up to me, we would be together forever. But there's a new thing called "women's liberation" which gives you women the right to choose, and you have chosen to abort me and with that I must live with. So tonight when you arrive home, I'll be gone. I officially renounce my squatter's rights. I'll always love you. Good bye and good luck. I'll never forget you.
Jack: [My girlfriend] works all the time. She's always traveling. It's a headache. Who needs that? That's why I'm always dating 20 year olds.
Dennis: Let me tell you about 20 year olds, my friend. Half of them are 16.
Dennis: It's like my cousin Teddy's dog. Sometimes he just doesn't want to lick my feet so what I do is I hide my feet from him for a couple of days and then when he sees them he goes bananas. So Jack, in this example Liz is the dog and I am my feet. You see what I'm saying?
Dennis: I know this might be emotional for you so there's a meatball sub in the fridge.
Liz's list about Dennis:
Pros:
basically nice
takes good care of his feet
makes good chili
remembers my birthday
rarely wants to do it
is funny when he goofs on his friends
doesn't care about money
loyal
too lazy to cheat
would increase likelihood of a blue-eyed kid
loves The Simpsons
has good hair
has already seen me throw up two times
fixed tv
Jack likes him
Cons:
not "super" smart
listens to Winger
dental hygiene
wears acid wash denim
always wants foot rubs
not much money
catholic
doesn’t like his mother
I don’t like his mother
his mother doesn’t like me
loves Family Guy
reads The Post
insists on spending holidays with his mother
has already seen me throw up
attempted threeway
racist
wears Italian horn even though Irish
Jack likes him
Chris Hansen: Good evening, sir. I'm Chris Hansen with Dateline NBC. Can I ask you what you're doing here tonight?
Dennis: Oh, yeah, I'm here to boff some chick named Mary.
Liz: OMIGAWD.
Chris Hansen: And do you know how old Mary is?
Dennis: Yeah, uh, 22, I think.
Chris Hansen: You want to try again?
Dennis: Crap! [tries to turn off tv] That girl said she was 16 but I swear to God I could tell she was 22.
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